Monday, October 22, 2012

Jealousy, an edge of love.

They say that jealousy is a green-eyed monster that haunts people, a kind of demon that hurts their soul and slowly annihilates their partners. It seems to be true since it is such a strong emotion that when it is not controlled it drives people to commit excesses. Some jealous people even commit physical aggression and, in very extreme cases, crimes.
Jealousy, like all human feelings, has a scale: there are people who are very jealous, little jealous or not jealous at all. There is no thermometer that provides the right measure to be jealous, if there is such a thing as the right measure! But there seems to be a line that lets people know what the acceptable limit is: jealousy is harmful from the moment it changes the balance of a couple and it interferes in their routine. When people think about the consequences of everything they do, wondering what the other will think of the simplest things, the most banal gestures. When the need arises to justify everything, fearing misinterpretation. When greeting a colleague or friend becomes a problem. When you go shopping with your friends or go to a movie seems to end in a drama full of terrifying suspicions. When there is no longer freedom to hang out with friends and have an occasional beer.

Some people think that jealousy should be part of the relationship: it is a proof of love, a way to show that the person cares and loves you, and is attentive to the other's life. But love is another thing: love is respect for the other's life, it is to dialogue to understand the decisions of the other, it is to trust each other. Love sustains itself and needs no proof!
In coarse terms, jealousy has two origins: an exterior source, caused by specific situations which, on occasion, make the senses become alert, and an inner source that comes directly from the people’s personality.
In the first case it is an occasional situation where something causes insecurity or dislikes, but it is resolved civilly and does not alter the relationship of the couple.
In the second case, jealousy is, above all, a feeling which springs independently of the situations. It pre-exists any relationship. It is something that the person already carries into a relationship. And this is the kind of jealousy that can be fatal to the relationship, it may also be fatal to the couple: to the one who feels it and to the one who is the target of jealousy.
People who feel the need to constantly monitor the footsteps of another, control what the other is doing, who they're talking to on the phone, and worst of all, what they think, add unnecessary suffering to their lives. Jealousy is the desire and need to control the other, and it transforms the experience of living as a couple into a never ending suffering.
If both are happy and jealousy does not generate friction or pain, then it should be seen as something positive. But if the couple is unhappy, then jealousy is negative it is disproportionate edge in the architecture of love and it must be eliminated! The pursuit of happiness is built daily, with baby steps, small gestures, small freedoms and small details which are what support it. Being in a relationship that causes pain is a choice: you only stay if you want to!

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